If you’ve read my novel, Words, and also read the reader letter included in the book, then you know many of the emotions portrayed by my characters were my own. I come from a history of childhood sexual abuse, and like Kaylee, I lost my voice–not literally–but almost.
My ability to speak truth, my ability to speak up for myself, and my ability to speak confidently were robbed from me. I was shamed into silence. I hid the truth as a means of protecting myself, and those around me. Of course, my silence only served to further the childhood abuse and contributed to emotional abuse in my adult years.
My words were so stunted that I even found praying with words difficult. Instead, I learned to sit in silence before God and simply open my mind and heart to Him. I didn’t speak. I didn’t pray silent prayers. I hoped God would search my mind and heart and know my needs and the needs of those I cared about.
Oddly, without conversing with God, I still felt we had a deep and intimate relationship. The type of intimacy that comes, perhaps, with sitting in silence with someone you love.
Then one Sunday, during the annual Palm Sunday service I attend each year in the middle of the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference, I bowed my head and sat in silence with God. The organ moaned in the background as communion trays were passed from one conferee to another.
And I wondered… Lord, is it okay that I don’t use words when I pray?
His response was swift and sure. You’re okay.
I’m okay? His response stunned me. And tears flowed… I’m okay?
He answered an unasked question. He’d searched my mind and heart and without me saying so, He knew what I needed.
I needed to know that in His eyes, I was okay, just as I was.
Just as I am.
You’re okay are the most tender words He’s spoken into my life. Words of acceptance. Words of forgiveness. Words of unconditional love.
In God’s eyes, you’re okay too. Do you know that?
Ginny L. Yttrup
- Seeing the God Who Sees October 3, 2019“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me.” Genesis 16:13 In the circular way God often leads, I recently found myself back in the wilderness, tracing the path of Hagar. I’ve walked with […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- Finding Mary October 3, 2019At 5:02 AM an alert, set to the Stress tone, sounded in my mind. Heart racing, breaths coming in shallow bursts, a long list of impossible to-dos running through my mind, I greeted the day. I threw back the covers and put feet to the floor of my bedroom by night, office by day. I […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- Every Escape I’ve Known January 24, 2017I opened the mailbox and pulled out a stack of envelopes. As I thumbed through them before making the short walk back to the house, I saw it. The return address. And I knew. The contents of the small envelope would wound me. Deeply. As the sender has wounded me so many times before. My […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- I’m Paying Atten… Wait, What? January 6, 2017I confess, I’m a bit of a rebel. A quiet, mostly well-behaved rebel, but a rebel nonetheless. I don’t like conforming. Following the crowd. When it seems everyone is doing something… Like making resolutions at the beginning of a new year. Or choosing a word for the year. I want to do something else. Besides, those […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- Doubt Sparks October 5, 2014The boughs of the redwoods, browned by the drought, bounce in the breeze. The same breeze that stirs the King Fire up the road, and the Meadow Fire in Yosemite National Park. Smoke, like doubt, clouds the horizon. Flames, the novel I’m writing, is never far from my mind—or my doubts. It isn’t that the […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- Raising Men April 17, 2014If I’d known then what I know now… When I held those precious babes bundled in blue. When during the night watches I rocked them to the rhythm of my prayers. When I was their whole world and innocence was still their reality. If I’d known then… I would have held them tighter. Prayed harder. […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- Rooted August 15, 2013I pounded the letters into metal—over and over—one letter at a time. The stamped jewelry was part of a 200+ piece custom order bearing the group’s theme. I saw the letters during the days as I worked. I dreamt the letters at night. I knew the letters in both English and Spanish. But the word […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- Really? September 13, 2012I’m in the midst of a season where I feel like all I say to God is, “Really?” While the question is the same, the tone, I confess, changes. Sometimes it’s laced with saracasm as in, “Really, God? You’re kidding, right?” Other times it’s asked in awe. The picture above reflects one of those […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- I Don’t Understand… July 16, 2012I woke this morning with a searing pain in my throat and a fog of discouragement hovering over my mind and heart. Why am I here? Orlando and the International Christian Retailers Show? I arrived in the wee hours on Sunday morning and have only left my hotel room to venture to a nearby pharmacy […]Ginny L. Yttrup
- Keeping Up April 27, 2012I often read the daily selections from Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest. I like the way Chambers’ cuts to the quick: “Beware of any work for God that causes or allows you to avoid concentrating on Him (April 23).” Last night, like many nights of late, I didn’t sleep. It’s a season of […]Ginny L. Yttrup
So much freedom in two words “you’re ok”…He knows the deepest recesses of our hearts and hears each unspoken prayer. How he loves, Oh how He loves…us.
The gift of acceptance…God was aware of what you needed and now has allowed you to use those once lost words to pass that gift on to others…those 2 words from Him opened an avenue for you to pass the blessing on to others and I for one am grateful.